{Finding A Way Back}
I am petrified of getting online.
I avoid the news. Blogs. Facebook.
The TV stays off.
I avoid eye contact at the store.
Dread talking to well-meaning friends because I seize up from anxiety.
I avoid my Mom.
I talk to my sister because she understands when I need to up and leave. Or need her to.
The stimulation of other people send me straight to my room to hide.
I am a mess. A complicated, sad, anxious mess.
But.
I am coming out of the dark fog of death, because while it feels like I died, I know I did not.
And I have two chickens that have lost a father and they do not need to lose their mother, too.
I get all of this.
So I do things like face down a “to do” list one item at a time.
Shop for health insurance.
Look for a job.
Meet with a financial planner who tells me in not so many words that looking for a job should be at the top of my list if I am not into taking risks.
Which, I am not into taking risks, by the way.
I feed the kids cheetos for breakfast and yogurt for lunch and I hope they don’t ask for dinner.
But I have a freezer full of food in case they do, it’s just the energy to plan for it that seems to be tough.
A friend reminds me to breathe constantly because I hold my breath without realizing it. Panic attack always on the verge, rising in my throat.
This is what waking up to reality looks like when you lose your partner. The father to your children. The provider. The ROCK.
So.
I am now all of those things.
And I know I can do it.
I am just trying hard to figure out HOW.
While I am busy feeling sorry for myself, my heart telling my head there was NO WAY TO PREPARE FOR THIS.
My head finally getting it that my heart is right…plus it yells louder. And my heart seems to win every time. Always has.
So, while I am busy with being paralyzed and panicked, my dear friend Jami has been busy putting together an auction to help me and the kids. I believe it is to help me with cooking healthy (read: not Cheetos for breakfast), help me with household maintenance, and helping me find the best resources for the kids so that I don’t screw their lives up while I am busy self destructing. (Camp Erin).
The auction items floor me. I would be in so much trouble if I could bid! The one and only Matilda Jane Company, very best photographers in the industry, coveted, custom Bamboletta dolls, the most amazing goodies imaginable … all up for auction.
I am humbled, freaked out, beside myself, crazy grateful, and most of all … appreciative to have such an amazing circle of women to call friends.
Even if you don’t need anything maybe you could repost this on your blog/facebook so that someone else who might need or want something finds it…?
I thank you from the bottom of my dysfunctional heart for loving me. For loving my kids. For being there as I try to find my way back again.
XOXO.
Valerie Koop.
Valerie Koop.
Once there was a GIRL. With a blog. You know the kind. The kind with the pretty pictures and the pretty words. The kind that you put on your RSS feed so you don’t miss out on the next post. The kind that lets you in to her world and sucks you in so far you feel like you know her. Yes, you know her. You know her because she’s in every one of us. She’s your mother and your sister. She’s your silver and your gold.
She’s the loyal wife, the doting mama, and on her lucky days, she’s an artist. Capturing details, memories and moments to be treasured.
She’s a fellow photographer.
Well today, this girl is none of these things. Today she is a widow. Today she pulls her hair back into that familiar ponytail, fingers wrapped around that ever present cup of coffee, and stares in the direction of where he used to sit. Where he used to sit, all day, every day, fighting a losing battle called cancer. Yes, you know her, even if you don’t really know her.
Her name is Valerie Koop.
And she could be any one of us.
This is not a story of pity, but a story of courage and strength.
A story of friendship and community that binds us all.
So many amazing souls wanting to reach out, but not knowing how.
Well, here’s how.
We’d like to welcome you to:
House of Koop
Starting February 28th
House of Koop will be open via Hyena Cart
Please stop by and visit one of the many “rooms” in this home.
Rooms filled with:
Custom Bamboletta’s
Matilda Jane Parties
•A styled party for 5 little ladies,
a box of Matilda Jane goodness delivered to your door,
and an amazing photographer to document
the joy and love about to take place.
(Stay tuned for more details)
Amazing Photography resources
•Worldwide Blue Lily Family session
•Untamed Heart Photography Mentoring
•Bloom online workshop seat plus, two-1 year forum memberships
•Skye Harkwick workshop workbook w/ posing guide
•An unbelievable selection of actions, marketing tools and resources
•Hair pretties
(and I mean the most spectacular kind)
•Beautiful, custom art prints
A TRIP for 2 to 435
(the heart and soul of Matilda Jane.)
AND SO MUCH MORE!!
The proceeds will go to a company that will help give her support by way of
Nutritious meals, childcare, grocery shopping, household chores and SO much more.
They can do all the things we wish we could do, but can’t.
Bereavement counseling for her and her “chickens” and life coaching to help her get on her feet again.
Through the support of Camp Erin, her children will be well cared for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please join us in helping a friend in need of support and encouragement.
When I imagine myself in her shoes, my heart aches and the emptiness takes over.
I can only imagine what the reality feels like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We’ll see you on February 28th
or
feel free to make a donation by clicking on the icon below.
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